You're Not Overthinking
- Nina
- Jun 20, 2018
- 4 min read
How do you know when you're overthinking? When we don't understand something, it is easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel of the mind, putting in a lot of thought but getting nowhere. Then again, sometimes we are putting a perfectly healthy and mature amount of thought into something, and those around us may still claim we are overthinking. So what's the difference? And why do others call us out for overthinking when we're not?
What is Overthinking?
Overthinking has a focus on others. Overthinking is when you are trying to figure out what someone else did, said, meant, etc. It is guessing. The key concept here is that you will never know what the answer is, and that is why you can think and think and think and never come to a true conclusion. Even if you ask the person, which is generally what is needed in these situations - there's always a chance they could be lying to you. This is overthinking. Trying to work something out that has no answer. You'll never be finished solving this puzzle. When you're stuck in this loop, the best thing you can do is decide to not care. Examples: "What did she mean when she said she was 'busy'? Is she mad at me??" "Did they interpret my presentation as too simplistic? Are they talking about me behind my back? Did they just throw a judgmental glance my way?? Do they hate me??" "What does this text mean!?" "What does their Facebook post mean!?" "What does their silence mean!?" All of these have a focus on others, and can generally be resolved by asking someone a question. Therefore to spin your wheels on thinking about it is overthinking.
What isn't Overthinking?
What isn't overthinking is reflecting on a situation, finding the patterns, and using it to learn and grow. The focus here is on YOU. You may be breaking apart what others have said and done, but the end goal is to determine how you can evolve from the situation and what your values are. Let's say you were just in an abusive relationship and finally got out. It would be overthinking to try to sort out what the person was thinking and doing throughout the relationship. It is not overthinking to reflect on when you started to get a bad feeling, and what red flags you should have paid attention to. It is not overthinking to consider where your values and boundaries were crossed, and why. You can use this information to learn and grow and avoid a similar situation in the future.
The same concepts work for forward thinking, as well. If you are sitting there playing out every possible scenario in your head, trying to determine which option is the singular "correct" choice, then you are overthinking. If you are weighing likely scenarios, pros and cons, and determining what factors are most important to you, knowing that there is no one single correct option and that things will probably be different than you anticipate, then you are not overthinking. If you are planning and preparing for a presentation, researching probably questions and rehearsing your speech, you are not overthinking. If you are obsessing over covering every single question anyone could possibly have and rehearsing millions of times, never being satisfied with yourself, that is perfectionism and you are overthinking!
Then why are people telling me I'm overthinking?
People see what relates to them. If it's worth them commenting on, then it is something they are dealing with in one way or another. Remember, people like/dislike traits in others that they see in themselves, whether good or bad. So if someone says you are overthinking, it likely means that either:
1. They don't put a lot of thought into things
Perhaps they are the kind of person that just flies by the seat of their pants and is very spontaneous. They don't put much thought into anything. This could mean anything from them being lazy to them being so confident (or even arrogant) in their abilities that they don't see the point in planning or reflecting on anything. On the other hand, it may just mean that they don't see the importance in the topic at hand. Maybe they put a ton of planning into most of their life, but they know nothing about cars, so your contemplating the best car that would complement your current lifestyle just doesn't resonate with them at all, so they just say you are overthinking because it isn't something they put much thought into.
2. They overthink and are projecting it onto you
When someone tells you that you are overthinking, it could also mean that they overthink. In this case, they are projecting their own issues onto you. They are basically not hearing what you are saying, and are instead giving themselves advice when they speak to you. Maybe you're talking to them about how you may have different values with your significant other, and are weighing how important this is to you. Meanwhile all that registers in their brain is how they were recently overthinking about something they thought their significant other said or did, and finally realized (or were told that) they were doing so. The topic of relationships flipped their switch into this idea of overthinking, and they projected their own issues onto you.
Nothing can be more frustrating than when you are going through a ton of personal growth and making major realizations and life-changing breakthroughs, and when you share it with someone, they tell you that you are overthinking. It is mood and soul crushing! Don't listen to them. They don't get it. They are on their own journey, in their own world. Not everyone is going to understand what you're talking about, and that's okay. It doesn't make it any less real. Sometimes we look around and there isn't anyone who "gets it". In those cases, you either have to go it alone or find your tribe. Just don't get caught up and self-conscious based on the comments of others. Listen within. You know that this is healthy reflection and preparation, and not overthinking. Or vice versa - you know when you are caught up in a mind puzzle that you can't solve, and that you need to save your energy for something else. Listen to your intuition and let it guide you. It will bring you to the correct conclusions.
