Like the Phoenix
- Nina
- Apr 17, 2020
- 4 min read
I feel like I keep having to change myself to be acceptable to the world, to be treated better, and then eventually people use it to hurt me, and so I change again, and again, and again, feeling more and more beaten down, to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore.
Once upon a time, I was a little girl. A little girl with a TON of energy. My zodiac sign is a Leo, so you can bet I was an entertainer, a dreamer, with a huge imagination and tons to talk about. But I was too much for people. I was told I was annoying. And slowly people left me.
Eventually I got the message. I became quiet, isolated, withdrawn, and depressed. No one cared what I had to say. No one cared about me. So I’d just be quiet and live in my own world. Well, by this time I was in high school, and some guys found that mysterious and intriguing. They wanted to learn more and even save me. Until I became a legit adult, and then no one wanted to deal with someone with issues. No one wants to deal with someone with baggage and pain. They want someone who has their shit together.
Hell, I wanted to BE someone who had their shit together. So I did a ton of personal growth work. I learned about manifestation and the law of attraction. I learned that you are not your thoughts. I learned meditation and Kundalini yoga. I learned that I had a purpose. I learned that I had been an active participant in all the realities I created for myself. I learned how to love myself. To be confident. To be powerful. I found my voice again. I found my passions again. I was thriving. But then I started getting shamed for taking care of myself.
I knew my boundaries. I knew what I needed to stay mentally and physically healthy. And others were shaming me for it. Treating me like I was crazy. Like I was lazy. Like I was unprofessional. Like I was naïve and unrealistic. Treating me like I didn’t matter, my time didn’t matter, my health didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter, and I was nothing. I fought against it until I was legitimately afraid of the consequences if I fought any more. And then I gave up.
Over the course of a year, I broke. My physical and mental health deteriorated. I had no time for friends, hobbies, self-care, any of it. I lost respect for myself. I lost joy. I lost my passion and my fire. I lost everything that was me and was just barely making it through each panic-filled day. It got extremely dark. And of course, no one respects this new me. This me is meek and weak. This me is beaten down and has no self-esteem. This me just lets people walk all over her, because every time I try to stand up and do what’s right, I get yelled at, scolded, ignored, overruled, and told to apologize. So why bother.
That’s where I am now. Living the disrespect – at least the disrespect I perceive from others, whether it’s there or not. But there’s a shift in the air. That primal drive to rise up like a phoenix is coming back. I am very fortunate in that this pandemic and quarantine has not affected my employment and has instead given me more time for basic self-care - physical, mental, and spiritual self-care. I’m starting to remember who I am again. My house is clean. I’m doing creative work. I’m exercising. I’m cooking my meals. All the things that I lost along the way. And through finding these things again, and remembering all the personal growth workshops I took in the past, I’m able to start piecing my sense of self back together.
Who knows what phase is next for me, but I know I will be stronger for everything I have been through. I know that I have the foundation from my personal growth work to be patient and gentle with myself as I heal the wounds of the last couple years and see where the scars have left my skin tougher. I know I will have a stubborn confidence to be myself, love myself, and maintain my boundaries despite any shaming or mocking that comes from others – I will look at them with blood and dirt on my face and say NO. And I will not be bothered by their response. I will merely leave them to their own miserable reality, for I know it is not for me. I’ve seen myself thriving before. I’ve seen what I can do when I take care of myself. And it’s magical. And anything preventing me from being my best self is entirely not worth it.
At least, that’s what I’m working on believing. But I know it’s coming. I can feel it. A phase in my life when I can finally have the strength and courage to not be affected and molded by how others treat me. When I can stop basing my personality on my pain, trauma, defense mechanisms, or even praise – and I can finally figure out who I am underneath it all, and maintain that, no matter what life brings.
I know I’m getting there. I’ve gotten this far. I’m fine to blindly feel my way through the fire until I come out of it reborn.
