Fear of Stigma
- Nina
- May 28, 2018
- 9 min read
I created Mental Terrarium in order to pass along information, lessons and perspectives that I've learned that have helped me cure my depression (yep that's right, CURE it) and manage my anxiety as I work to eradicate it as well. But at this point, here in the beginning of putting a voice to my message, I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of the stigma attached to these topics and what it could do to me in my life.
This post is a call to action. A public service announcement. I know I'm not alone in this fear, and I also know that so many advocates have no idea about what I'm about to say. Join me in working on this in whatever way you are able, whether it is being courageous and speaking up about your own story, or supporting those who do so.
People often fear what they don't know, and many don't know anything about depression or anxiety. Many of us were taught to hide any hint of mental illness from the outside world. Hide in the secrecy and shame. Isolate yourself from others so they won't know. Pretend to be okay. If people knew, they would be afraid. Afraid because they might think you are dangerous. Or they may believe you to be incompetent or dramatic. Their prejudice or fear may close doors that would otherwise be open. They may interpret everything you say in the worst way possible, and it may cause them to panic and overreact to common phrases and issues. It may cause people to flag you as "at risk". It may cause people to want to keep a close eye on you, making any privacy you require seem suspicious.
Some may use it to discredit you. Surely you are not mentally capable of handling large tasks. Surely you will fall apart or have terrible judgement. You are untrustworthy. You are incompetent.
Some may use it to dismiss you. "Oh, don't worry if Sue is upset. She's depressed, she's always upset. It doesn't matter. She'll be fine." It gets used as a reason to ignore any calls for help or justified issues you have with others that require respect and resolution. People may just write you off instead of giving you the respect you deserve.
People may even just use that information to avoid you altogether. They may think you will be difficult to deal with, or draining, or full of drama, so they just choose to be safe rather than sorry and not get to know you or spend time with you at all. Some find those who have these kinds of issues inherently selfish and full of themselves. By not understanding these issues, and therefore you as a person, they try to make it fit in their own framework from their own experiences, and they come up short. They make assumptions and judgments and deem you a bad or undesirable person in one way or another.
What's even worse is that some will use this information about you to manipulate you or mock you. Some terrible people will either carefully word things to push your buttons and make you feel just insecure enough to do what they want, or they will bully you and flat out say horrible things just to get the satisfaction of pushing you over the edge.
Stigma is real. And it isolates us, which is the absolute worst thing we could do. We feel like something is inherently wrong with us, we feel like we are alone, and our fear of speaking up and everyone else's fear of not knowing what you are just perpetuates the problem.
I know it is just from a tv show, but a recent episode of Designated Survivor perfectly shows how those with any hint of mental illness are instantly seen as incompetent. Context: Our honest, relatable, level-headed POTUS (Kiefer Sutherland) has people in the government who want him out. When his wife semi-recently died in a tragic and random car accident, he went to see a therapist to help him grieve. When word came out and his therapist's notes were leaked, everyone determined that he was not sound of mind simply for GRIEVING HIS DEAD WIFE and feeling what ANYONE WOULD FEEL IN THAT SITUATION. And that's just after the death of a loved one! Imagine if he was, oh I don't know, HUMAN and AWARE, and acknowledged some other lifelong insecurity or struggle? RIDICULOUS. If you can, check out the episode itself (S2E18 "Kirkman Agonistes"). It becomes increasingly uncomfortable as the thought of his family having mental health issues casts a palpable air of shame and pity on this proud and level-headed man. It was hard to watch, it upset me so much. But it was beautifully and honestly done. Check out this excerpt from a review article by Lawrence Rubin, Ph.D., ABPP (full article here):
When subversive factions within the government attempt to have him removed from office, and a hacker leaks his therapy sessions and therapist's private notes and recordings, the dogs of war have all the red meat they need. They seek to prove that, just by virtue of him being in psychotherapy and revealing his insecurities, self-doubts, and sadness to his therapist, he must be unfit to lead. It is only after his brilliant attorney, and his own inner-Jack Bauer emerge, that we see the totality of this man—highly evolved yet flawed and suffering as would be anyone under the same pressures and in the face of similar losses.
I find it fascinating to watch this discourse unfold because it reveals, I believe, the ongoing tension in society between those who would see people with mental health challenges and particularly, those who seek therapy, as unfit, deficient or somehow lesser than.
It is art imitating life, imitating art, in an infinite moral regress that leaves us on the edge of the therapeutic couch, wondering what it really means to be normal in a world that is not. Perhaps psychiatric gadfly R.D. Laing had it right when he suggested that to be normal in a crazy world must surely be a sign of craziness, or something like that.
To those who are ill informed: We are not dangerous. We are not inherently of poor character or judgement. You can't stereotype us like that, just like you can't stereotype any other group. Experiencing the kind of pain we experience all the time can build enormous amounts of empathy and make us the most caring people in the world. We have seen the depths of human despair. We get it. And we don't want anyone to suffer the way we have suffered. We don't want anyone to feel alone, or like no one cares about them. Those who want to inflict pain on others are not direct reflections of any mental illness. They have some other set of issues and insecurities. It affects everyone differently. You cannot assume that someone is dangerous or problematic simply because they are struggling. It's that struggle that often makes us more compassionate human beings than those who have not experienced these kinds of deep aching and ever present wounds. If anything, we're capable of deeper love and compassion than the average person. Controversial of course, but that could easily be argued. My point isn't to say we are better, but that we are a range of types of people. We have the capacity for enormous love and empathy as well as negative traits. Some are caring and giving, some are mean and selfish. Just like anyone else. Just like any other group. You cannot equate these traits together with depression or anxiety. You just can't.
I love how various actors, entrepreneurs, and others are coming out and talking about their struggles. Kristen Bell seems like the happiest person in the world! You would never think it, and yet here she is stepping up and showing people that anyone can struggle with these issues, and it doesn't make her seem like a dangerous, selfish, or bad person. Demi Lovato talking about her bipolar depression. Ryan Reynolds talking about his anxiety. More people have these problems than you know. Respected people, successful people, kind and giving people. It makes NO SENSE to have stigma attached. It really is only isolating people and making them feel worse. Shaming them into isolation where their pain only gets stronger. Think of how a wounded, cornered, scared animal acts - if it trusts you it may accept help, but at worst they may try desperately to shrink away, injuring themselves in the process, or they may attack. That's what we DON'T WANT. We have to build trust. We need to be way more accepting and supportive of people who are struggling. Who knows, one day it could be you. Some struggle for a lifetime, but others go through life events that cause them to go through depression or anxiety for a period of time. It can happen to anyone.
Have you had any of these thoughts about someone with depression or anxiety? If you have depression or anxiety, have you experienced the fear and sting of this stigma? We need to be more comfortable talking about these things. We are all human beings. We are all capable of all kinds of emotions, pain as well as joy. We cannot turn our backs on those we do not understand. We cannot dismiss people simply because we don't want to be bothered with understanding a different type of person. We have to be patient. Both sides. Fear has ruled for far too long. Stigma has gotten so much better, but it has a long way to go. Please consider that this stigma may be why a person isn't opening up to you or does not trust. We have to be willing to open our minds and see outside of our own little patch of reality. Others have different experiences of the world. We all have wildly different views of what is true, despite how much it seems like there is only "normal" and a small minority of "not normal". No one has experienced the same life, the same events, the same traumas, the same chemical reactions in their body. We would do the same if we lived their lives, and we'd be fools to think otherwise. If you have questions or assumptions, find caring ways to ask questions. Believe that there is a legit answer, and that you don't want to be rude while finding it out.
Here's a relatable example: Suppose the person driving in front of you is driving ridiculously slow and is making wide turns, and you just can't believe how insane their driving is. You could say, "Are you on drugs? Why the hell are you driving like a complete idiot?" That is the rude reaction. Suppose their answer was that they had a dying pet in their back seat, and they were struggling to see through their tears while trying to not cause the animal to die while driving it to the animal hospital a few blocks away. Valid, right? Wouldn't you feel like a complete jerk if you worded it that way and that was the response? The same goes for any of these assumptions or judgments you may have. Ask in a caring way. Ask specific questions, instead of over generalizing. Instead of saying "Why are you so selfish and self absorbed?" ask "Why haven't you tried to get to know anyone here with us? Why do you seem so serious all the time, are you alright? Are you sad? Angry? Lonely?" Reflect on why you made the assumption in the first place. Ask THOSE questions.
For those on the receiving end of the stigma, don't let it get to you. I know that is so much easier said than done, but as you can see, they just don't know any better. They just don't understand. Their fear or ignorance is just confusing them. If they knew, and cared, they wouldn't be treating you this way. They can't help it. They know not what they do. It is NOT about you, it is about THEM. In general, people see traits in others that they either hate in themselves or like in themselves, so whatever they are saying about you, they probably struggle with it in some way themselves. Even if what they're saying feels true, stop. Labeling and judging does not make anything better. You have to be compassionate with yourself. That's the only way it will change.
Whichever side you fall under, be patient with yourself. You are loved and you are important. But don't let that make you lazy. Continue to stand up for what is true and what is right. Ask questions and constantly work to improve upon yourself and broaden your understanding of the world and those around you. You will have so much respect for yourself that it will flow over into everything else. It starts with you. Steps don't have to be big. They can be small. Just keep going. Together we can make this world a place where no one is afraid to speak their truth or be their true selves. (Anyone else hearing "Man in the Mirror" in their head now?)
I'm focused on anxiety and depression here, but obviously there are all kinds of terrible stigmas out there. Be the change for that, as well. Get informed.
Let me know in the comments what stigmas you have experienced and what you did about it, both internally and externally. I'd be interested to know!
