It's Okay to Stand Up For Yourself
- Nina
- May 14, 2018
- 5 min read
I just got back from vacation. I've had an incredibly stressful few months, and desperately awaited my vacation to my favorite places where I have previously reconnected with myself, found a sense of inspiration, spirituality, joy, and all kinds of other things. I looked forward to these locations being wonderful backdrops to the journey of my finding myself again and recharging in preparation for my next steps in life.
Unfortunately, that did not happen.
Misery can follow you anywhere. Even to your favorite places. Even to the places that have always uplifted you in the past. It wasn't even about escaping, it was just facilitating my inner journey. But still, it didn't happen. I was still empty. I was still angry. And I didn't know why. I spent so much EFFORT trying to CHOOSE to not be angry or empty, and it just felt fake. My fakeness was reflected in awkward interactions with others. I had moments here and there of happiness, but that was the fleeting kind. Not the joy I was trying to re-cultivate within me.
I felt emotionally constipated. For the life of me I could not figure out what I was feeling or why. No one seems to understand the frustration of this. When you're upset, people always want to ask "Why? What's wrong?" and it is always so frustrating, because I don't know. That comes later. That comes after I have worked through simply going through whatever it is. And sometimes it takes a hell of a lot of time to work through it, because if you don't know what "it" is, you can't really come up with efficient ways to do that. I tried to cry, and I couldn't. I tried to get an adrenaline rush from roller coasters, and that only helped briefly. I tried being out in beautiful nature, but "it" followed me, still. "It"s identity masked.
So I started journaling. The journaling felt like garbage. It was just word vomit. On and on and on about random issues. It felt like I was excavating, though. None of these were why I was upset, but it was lightening the feeling. On and on I journaled. I did some Kundalini yoga and meditated. I kept on, each day, trying to get out and do things but also make time to reflect and journal. It felt like I was on the right track, but I didn't know where on that track I was. No success.
Then I returned home, tired and still empty. It was only then that I broke down and cried. Emotionally and mentally exhausted from my quest, which had seemingly failed. But still, I went back to journaling.
Finally, over a week later, I started to uncover the root. I was SCARED. My emptiness and anger came from fear. That fear came from disrespected boundaries. I have such a hard time with boundaries. I want to give my all. All or nothing. But I ALWAYS suffer for it. I was angry because I've been mistreated. And that kept showing up over and over in many areas. And no one seemed to care. No one stood up for me. And I didn't stand up for myself. I let people get into my head instead.
Growing up, I developed the idea that I'm not allowed to stand up for myself. It only makes things worse. If I felt I was being mistreated, and stood up for myself, I was punished. It made things worse. I was shamed into apologizing for standing up for myself. That is such a screwed up thing to experience. And so now, when these moments arise where I might stand up for myself, there is such an internal struggle. I will look bad. I will make things worse. I will be punished. I will not be believed. I will be shamed and made to apologize. And so sometimes I don't do it at all.
Well enough of that. If you can relate to this, I'm here to tell you that YOU ARE ALLOWED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Of course, how you do it matters. But DON'T let "consequences" stop you. No consequence of standing up for yourself in a healthy and necessary way is worse than the feeling of betraying yourself and letting yourself down. It isn't worth it. There is nothing good that can come from it. For those of you that this resonates with, I know those situations often catch you off guard. They make you question yourself. They make you weigh the truth against the poor treatment and see if they are right. But you know better. You can stand up for yourself even if there is a grain of truth in what is being thrown your way. It isn't about the truth, it is about how it is delivered. If someone is disrespecting you, call it out. Re-establish your boundaries. Suggest that maybe you need to speak at another time. Let them know what their words are rude, or at least unnecessary or uncalled for. This can show up in so many different ways, it is difficult to suggest ways to handle all of them. But you get the point. You know how. You are just scared. Scared of the repercussions. But we aren't like those people. We can admit when we are wrong. We can try our best to approach the situation in a mature and healthy way, and if we screw up in doing so, we can own that. But don't let them flip it around on you. Don't let them make you the bad guy. PLEASE. That's why it is so important to be as healthy and mature as possible about it. As much as you possibly can. And then, you can't let them get inside your head. These people don't want to own their mistakes. They don't want to apologize, so they will make you the bad guy. Don't let them win. Don't do it. It is OKAY to have boundaries. It is OKAY to not let people treat you poorly. It is OKAY to stand up for yourself. Do not let ANYONE make you feel guilty for doing that. You DESERVE protection, and if you don't protect yourself, who else is going to? Who? Don't turn into a nasty person, but don't let people walk all over you. That is not healthy. That is not "giving it your all" or heroic or anything like that. That is simply not caring enough about yourself. And no one else is going to set those boundaries for you. YOU have to do it. No one else will. They will push and push and push until they find your wall. So setup your wall and don't let it budge. Take care of yourself. Respect yourself. Set boundaries. Stand up for yourself. Love yourself. And I will, too.
