When Gratitude Shames People
- Nina
- Nov 13, 2016
- 2 min read
We’ve all seen the affirmations and quotes. “There’s always something to be grateful for!” “The secret to joy is gratitude!” Blah blah blah. And you know what, that is exactly correct. However, fluffy quotes like that often come off as throw-away BS comments that are either “easy for some people” or just seem like they are flat out shaming you into gratitude or telling you that you are an ungrateful person.
Let’s break those messages apart and make gratitude a little more accessible and a little less condescending.
I do believe that gratitude is a huge part of joy, but some of us have trouble with it. Not because we are selfish, but because the whole concept is telling us where we should be without showing us how to emotionally get there. Those messages feel like someone is telling us to shut up, suck it up, and just be grateful for what we have. That message completely invalidates and dismisses our issues, our struggles, and our reality. This can make us defensive, angry and otherwise resistant, and takes us even further away from gratitude.
Erase everything you’ve ever heard about gratitude. Let’s start from scratch.
Gratitude is a feeling that emanates from your being when you remember how special you are to receive what is in your life.
Think of it this way: Remember or imagine a time when your Significant Other has gone out of their way to do something very special and romantic for you, and you were caught completely by surprise. Imagine how touched and special you feel that this person has taken the time to set this special thing up for you. THAT feeling is gratitude. That feeling in your heart, that joy, that fills your eyes with tears sometimes. Feeling that special and loved. THAT is gratitude. Gratitude isn’t being required to say “Thank You” after every single thing someone does for you. It isn’t about being required or shamed into anything.
Gratitude is a genuine feeling that you cannot be bullied into. You can’t just demand gratitude. It has to be pure. And that takes time to develop. And that is perfectly fine.
Don’t start off by trying to have gratitude for everything society tells you that you should be grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends… some of those are triggering for us. Yes, of course you should be grateful for them. But don’t start off your gratitude process with things like that – things that you feel obligated to be grateful for. Start off with things you REALLY feel grateful for. A special gift from your significant other. A moment when your child showed you they really loved you. A moment of recognition at work that caught you by surprise. Whatever it is, forget the things you are “required” to feel grateful about, and just think of moments that you actually did feel special and loved for what you received.
That is gratitude. That is why it is the cornerstone of joy. Because gratitude is supposed to make you feel wonderful, not make you feel like a bad person.
Does this perspective help you with your relationship to gratitude? What is something that you truly and honestly feel grateful for?
