It's Never "Just The Way It Is"
- Nina
- Nov 13, 2016
- 4 min read
Have you ever had the very defeated thought that something is “just the way it is”, and wished that it wasn’t so? I know I have. Things in life that seem inescapable and as certain as death and taxes. What if I told you that you were opting into this reality, and that your feelings of defeat were merely your inner voice rejecting that reality and asking you to make some changes?
All your life you’ve been gathering facts and evidence and drawing conclusions from them. That’s how we operate. But our sample sets are inherently biased. Your family, friends, school, career path, country, the types of media you engage with – some you get to choose, and others you happen to be involved with. Based on these people you interact with, you make conclusions about life, other people and even about yourself. You may not even realize you’re doing it. Please be aware that this is a very small subset of humanity and of the human experience. Who and what you surround yourself with influence your beliefs, whether they become your beliefs outright or not. What we want to be free of, we are perpetuating and don’t even realize it.
Once we’ve developed these beliefs, we start assigning meaning to things. It’s like we have blinders on, and only see what matches up with our beliefs. We don’t see things in their entirety; we only see the parts that make us feel certain that our conclusions are correct. That’s how we get stuck, and can even talk ourselves into things that aren’t even true.
In my own life, I’ve lived through a few examples of this. I’ve always been an introvert, meaning that social interactions are eventually exhausting and I really dislike small-talk. I can have deep, compassionate, life-pondering conversations for hours, but other general topics bore me to tears. I used to not really understand this about myself. When conversations took place that I didn’t care for, and I had nothing to say and tried to force it, it felt awkward. I was continually putting myself in conversations that really did not resonate with me. I was around these people and these conversations for so long that I started to believe that I was awkward and had nothing to say. And as soon as you decide you are awkward and begin the self-conscious defense mechanisms for it, guess what – you become awkward. I was very socially awkward during that time, simply because I believed it.
Eventually I branched out and met some different kinds of people. People with completely different likes, dislikes and communication styles from the people I’d been surrounded by. It was so refreshing, and I really didn’t feel as awkward around them. With the distance and perspective I then had through interactions with others, I realized I was never awkward to begin with – it was simply that I was surrounding myself with people and conversations that didn’t vibe well with me. The people certainly weren’t bad and the conversations weren’t bad, but it just wasn’t where I thrived and felt alive, and it became my constant and ever present “normal”. The environment I’d opted into did not feel right, but instead of realizing it was the environment, I thought it was something wrong with me, and not just in those specific circumstances, but a truth that held in all circumstances. By simply realizing this, I was able to start my journey to understanding myself in this way and even becoming a pretty confident speaker again.
That is a fairly small and simple example, in my opinion. But it scales up. It can become much larger, much more ingrained and nearly impossible to spot. In that example, I simply met some new people and was able to realize my mistake. But what if you’ve decided, for example, that all men are un-dateable based on past experiences, the media, and the men that you know? The same applies, but you may not be able to find the outside perspective quite as easily. It may take removing your blinders first before you can see the evidence. Or maybe your concern is with money or time. Maybe you think you have to work 9-5 all your life, because that’s just the way it is. Especially in this day and age, I assure you, that is not the truth. There are many different ways to live and many different ways to make a living. Always has been. I have seen many people work their own ideal schedules and make much more than a 9-5 can offer. You simply have to step out beyond your self-selected group to see it.
What ways have you trapped yourself into a belief that no longer serves you? What things frustrate you because you believe that’s “just the way it is”? What are ways you can step out beyond those beliefs and look for evidence of the contrary?
